Tales From the 10th Floor

My way to pass the time here in the penthouse.

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The Grey Area.

When I began this blog I did so with the hopes of using it to escape from what felt like a prison sentence. It worked. This blog became my outlet and many people joined in to read along with my humorous and at times emotional journey. Throughout the blog I had also decided it my mission to spread the importance of organ donation as it was obviously something close to my heart (yea a little pun intended there.) One thing people enjoy about my blog is my upmost honest commentary because what you see is what you get. Being that I find myself relatively intelligent it has become quite clear it is because of this blog that I am not the normal heart transplant patient. I too am able to sit back and realize I am on the news much more so than I have ever seen a heart transplant patient before, and that includes a former vice-president. To say I love that feeling would be a lie. I am more of a private person which is also why I take to writing. However, I do not hate it for the simple reason the light it has shown on organ transplantation and the increased need for donors. What I hope everyone knows most is my excitement that my story gains for those I met also waiting for not only heart transplant but organ transplant everywhere. There are thousands out there going through exactly what I did all waiting for their perfect matched organ to arrive, and if my blog was important enough to be news worthy to get that reiterated over and over I cannot be anything but happy about that. That being said it does seem though I have had far from the normal transplant experience. Mine has become much more emotional than ever expected. I have known upwards of 8 people who have received heart transplants while I waited here and not one of them could tell you a thing about their donor. That is the way of organ donation. It is very anonymous and news of donor and recipient comes out much later after the fact. Well that instantly was not the case for my situation. How this came to be I may never know, but I must share my feelings on the subject as to why you have gotten no response from me about my donor. Organ donor and recipient is a very black and white thing, but what has occurred in my situation is a very grey area. To have the news report who my donor is, is something that no organ transplant recipient would be able to take lightly and I haven’t. It has been very hard to not think constantly about what is being said all around me. To find out who your donor is, is to receive a letter by a government agency and then and only then can you be sure of anything. That is what I sit waiting for before I can allow myself to react. It is the right thing to do in this long process that I have been a part of since September 2010. Everything I have written in these blogs is from the heart and that includes mostly a letter I wrote to my potential donor. That letter is now directed at one person and to this day I still mean every word. For now that is all I can give them. I send thanks their way every chance I get and prayers and thoughts of love to the loved ones of my donor. One day when I have a definite confirmation of my donor there will be a name and family behind those thoughts and prayers, and a lifetime of trying to live up to expectations I have set for myself to make my donor’s family proud that I received their organ. I am fully aware of who they say my donor is. I have seen the news and read the papers. The tragic loss of someone so young is horrible and even though I was going through hell I would easily trade my heart back to give that person life if I could. The truth remains though it was going to take tragic loss in order to allow my exit from the hospital as I needed a young healthy heart to move on with my life. This scenario reiterates everything I have said about organ donation. It is such a beautiful thing that it allows good to come from horrible tragedy. Every transplant donor that passes away, especially those who pass far too young die in my eyes a hero and a saint. I had a friend named Greg that passed far too young months before I ended up being listed for transplant. I believe he saved 8 lives with his organs. Greg was an amazing person and loved by many, but not perfect and not a saint as we all aren’t during our life. But you better believe I feel he died one. That is the same way I feel about my donor, and the young man that lost his life whether he is mine or not. Although all signs point to yes I implore all of you to give me the time most transplant recipients need to take this all in and receive proper knowledge of such a thing. I have received messages from people who feel that I should be doing more in honor of my donor and that is where I must give my utmost honesty. I have done all I can as of right now. I have sent my prayers and my thoughts but that is all I can do. I hope everyone can see that I have just gone through an amazingly emotional situation and am still someone very sick who must work on getting better. As for those who may have messaged me imploring I give money I feel I must be dead honest with you and let you know I do not have it. I am a broke college student that does not come from wealth. I am thousands of dollars in debt and you would not believe the cost it is to live in a penthouse for 6 months. This also does not include the insane costs of the numerous medications I need in order to keep this new heart healthy and move on living a successful and healthy life. Not to mention the relationship that makes between donor and recipient is highly inappropriate and is a horrible precedent to set moving forward with something as amazing as organ donation. I must reiterate no one thinks more about the tragedy of my potential donor and how horrible it must be for that family, but again it is all potential until I receive proper confirmation. Even if it turns out that donor is not mine he will always be a hero and a saint in my eyes for the lifesaving impact his death had on this world, because he not only donated a heart but I believe saved 4 or 5 others as well. I send my best to his family and my continued support and hope for them that they receive everything they need to make his passing as memorable as they have planned. If the day comes I receive the definite confirmation that the news was correct all along, which yes I realize they probably are, my thoughts and prayers will continue to go in their direction for the rest of my life with continued hopes that I make them proud to have their loved one’s heart beating on inside me. 

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